So, we are in the process of selling our house and finding a new place to live, primarily for financial reasons. Monday evening, after my husband got home from work, we drove roughly an hour away to look at places with a realtor we are working with. After looking at three places and driving to the fourth, my husband started mentioning he wasn’t feeling well… I was not feeling 100% myself, but attributed it to several nights running of little sleep. Well, we arrived at the fourth location and he started saying he thinks he needs to throw up. Now, mind you, in 22 years of being together, I think he has thrown up all of three times. This is not something he does. So, he stopped in the bathroom and I stepped out back with our agent. My husband finally joined us and said he only dry-heaved, and he sat down on the concrete porch. The three of us were chatting away, and all of a sudden my husband projectile vomited then fell backwards. As I walked closer to him to make sure he was ok, I noticed his eyes were wide open, but rolled back, and he was choking on vomit. I squatted and while still holding our baby tried rolling him, and watched as he became completely unresponsive. I was yelling at this point – yelling at my husband, and yelling at the agent to help me roll him and call 911. His body was very stiff and he kept wretching and was struggling to breathe. I literally thought I was watching him die right in front of me. I have never been so scared. When he finally came to, he had absolutely no recollection of what had just happened and asked what was wrong, why was I yelling. The EMT’s finally showed up and after they worked on him for a bit, we were off to the local ER where they ended up running tons of tests and could not figure out what was wrong. His blood pressure was low and kept plummeting when they tried to sit him up or have him stand. There was also something wrong on the multitude of EKG’s they kept repeating. They ended up admitting him to the hospital, and around 1:30am, I had no choice but to head home since the baby was still up with us and we have an elderly dog I had to tend to. Finally getting to bed around 3:00am, I was up again a few hours later to get ready to head back to the hospital. By this point, I was starting to really feel like crap myself and was getting dizzy. Again, I figured lack of sleep plus the extreme stress was the culprit. Long story short, I actually ended up sick myself, and my husband was discharged early yesterday evening with the doctors still not 100% sure what was the cause of the previous night’s events. He was still tachycardic upon discharge which was concerning to them since he is a runner, so there will be follow up appointments with the cardiologist who saw him in the hospital. This now makes two major health scares with him in less than six months… I am thankful for now that he is at least back home and starting to feel better.
Despair. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines it as “to lose all hope or confidence.” I would say that this perfectly sums up how I have felt as of late. Although I have had similar feelings in the past, only to put on a ‘happy’ face to hide how torn up I was inside, this time feels different. I feel like I am suffocating under the weight of stress and anxiety. Many days I feel very isolated, yet I have zero desire to leave my home. I don’t even want to go for a walk around the neighborhood, even though I know how great it feels to get out, get fresh air, and rejuvenate my mind, body, and soul while taking in the beauty around me. I don’t want to talk to anyone, engage in conversation. I look at myself in the mirror, and I don’t like what I see – age is creeping in, excess weight is still there, my hair color is in desperate need of touch up, and I wonder where all the years have gone while realizing I have not accomplished anything close to what I set out to do many years ago. I often feel that I was meant for something big, something that would bring change for the better in the world somehow, but I still have yet to figure out what that is. If I were to die today, what kind of mark will I leave? As I go through my day, I often get lost in my thoughts and ideas; there is so much I want to do, but at this time these things are just not feasible – between caring for an infant and an elderly dog, money, and trying to pack up my house, there is simply not the time nor the finances. I am saddened, depressed, ashamed, and full of guilt over the failures in my life. Even after years of therapy, some things are just difficult to accept and deal with.
Lately I find myself frequently reminiscing about a particular moment of time in my life in which I was truly happy and carefree and felt like I had it all – my last year of college. The particular memory that keeps coming back revolves around a 5:00 am kickboxing class that my fiance and I were in. There was always great music during the workout, we absolutely loved the people in the class, and then on my way home afterward, I enjoyed the sunrise while more great music played on the radio. We were excitedly planning our wedding, getting prepared for the continuation of our educations beyond college, moving to a larger city, and buying our first place. We didn’t have much as far as material things and money, but we were happy. I was happy. Life was good. Little did I know that within a couple of short years, I would face my first major failure in life, and it would mark the start of my downward spiral. So here I am, more than 15 years later, still trying to figure all this out, and desperately trying to cling to that person from that time to try to understand what happened and where do I go from here…
Why science is not just important, but critical.
The enormous role played by science — especially government-sponsored science — in our everyday lives is barely appreciated.
Start with modern medicine. We, the public, paid for it through the National Institutes of Health (NIH) and research universities where the medical researchers, surgeons, doctors and nurses were trained, and where tools like magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) developed. Modern drugs were also developed through basic research sponsored by NIH. Modern medicine is the dividend of our investment over decades in medical science.
Next, computers. Computer science didn’t just appear. It was developed through grants from National Science Foundation (NSF) and Defense Advanced Research Project Agency (DARP). The Internet was developed by the Defense Department. It was originally called the Arpanet. Satellites were developed through NASA, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), and the Defense Department, with vast amount of new science: rocket fuels, physics, new materials for rocket shells, advances…
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After what feels like a lifetime of waiting, my husband underwent follow-up tests and procedures and his doctor feels like he was able to remove all of the cancer. So, no chemo or radiation at this time, just careful monitoring and future testing. We are so thankful!
Original post: Heartache
So, in case you didn’t notice, I like to add songs that correlate (to me) with what I’m writing about at the time. I do this because I believe music can be very powerful and can help convey feelings and emotions that are sometimes difficult to put into words. Music has always been a very important part of my life and continues to be to this day. I hope you enjoy the selections I link to.