Despair.  The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines it as “to lose all hope or confidence.”  I would say that this perfectly sums up how I have felt as of late.  Although I have had similar feelings in the past, only to put on a ‘happy’ face to hide how torn up I was inside, this time feels different.  I feel like I am suffocating under the weight of stress and anxiety.  Many days I feel very isolated, yet I have zero desire to leave my home.  I don’t even want to go for a walk around the neighborhood, even though I know how great it feels to get out, get fresh air, and rejuvenate my mind, body, and soul while taking in the beauty around me.  I don’t want to talk to anyone, engage in conversation.  I look at myself in the mirror, and I don’t like what I see – age is creeping in, excess weight is still there, my hair color is in desperate need of touch up, and I wonder where all the years have gone while realizing I have not accomplished anything close to what I set out to do many years ago.  I often feel that I was meant for something big, something that would bring change for the better in the world somehow, but I still have yet to figure out what that is.  If I were to die today, what kind of mark will I leave?  As I go through my day, I often get lost in my thoughts and ideas; there is so much I want to do, but at this time these things are just not feasible – between caring for an infant and an elderly dog, money, and trying to pack up my house, there is simply not the time nor the finances.  I am saddened, depressed, ashamed, and full of guilt over the failures in my life.  Even after years of therapy, some things are just difficult to accept and deal with.

Lately I find myself frequently reminiscing about a particular moment of time in my life in which I was truly happy and carefree and felt like I had it all – my last year of college.  The particular memory that keeps coming back revolves around a 5:00 am kickboxing class that my fiance and I were in.  There was always great music during the workout, we absolutely loved the people in the class, and then on my way home afterward, I enjoyed the sunrise while more great music played on the radio.  We were excitedly planning our wedding, getting prepared for the continuation of our educations beyond college, moving to a larger city, and buying our first place.  We didn’t have much as far as material things and money, but we were happy.  I was happy.  Life was good.  Little did I know that within a couple of short years, I would face my first major failure in life, and it would mark the start of my downward spiral.  So here I am, more than 15 years later, still trying to figure all this out, and desperately trying to cling to that person from that time to try to understand what happened and where do I go from here…


“Despair.” Merriam-Webster, n.d. Web. 25 Apr. 2017.

One thought on “Despair

  1. Most of us who experience that fog of disrepair often look back at events in our lives that truly made life worth living. Some like yourself have decades of time ahead on life’s road to break free of the cloud from any catastrophic personal events, but others who find themselves nearing the end of life’s road must be content to revel in those past untroubled memories. If I still faced a long road of life I would gather those good memories put one foot in front of the other and not look back…


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